Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.

A charcuterie board is just dry soup

Guy: I’m an organist

Me: what you got against organs?

Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.

In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush

5: Can we go outside and play.

Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.

5: Can’t you just throw up outside?

Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage

I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”

Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.

It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.

[Googling]

How many calories in a glass of white wine?

*45 minutes later*

[Googling]

How many calories in a bottle of white wine?

Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher

20 year old me)I’m going to be rich

30 year old me)I’m going to travel

40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person

50 year old me)I’m going to bed

Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”

Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”

My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.

I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume

Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).

I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?

I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.

a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..

It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.

I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog

Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work

Me: Can I buy you a drink?

Girl: I’m an alcoholic

Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.

*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract

ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”

DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”

Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.

What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.

What I actually buy in Aldi:

Do you have any motivational books?

Yeah, they’re in the back.

(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?

If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.