Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
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One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
I’m going back in time to kill whoever invented the wheel so we never have to hear the phrase ‘circling back’
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
Feeling betrayed because my kid found my stash of Reese’s peanut butter cups that I originally took from his stash