[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
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Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send