[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
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*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
thank god the sign was there
what kind of cook setting is this??
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
I miss seein tweets like “last Christmas I gave you my heart, but the very next day, Guantanamo Bay” who did that one
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.