[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
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I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows