Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.

If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.

I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.

By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.

Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?

Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous

Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day

*driving my date to the ER*

I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.

Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto

Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times

Schrödinger: Nice, nice

The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.

2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.

5: “Mommy why not?”

Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”

5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”

My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.

[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right

Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?

*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.

ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life

ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS

FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?

ME: She’s a real queen bee.

FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.

*a faint buzzing from my pocket*

ME: Dude, she’s right here.

The armadillo implies the existence of a legadillo.

I only say stupid things when I talk.

My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”

Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.

I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!

I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.

When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.

The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.

Me: I could survive in the wild.

Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.

Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.

my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog

HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.

*walks up to cashier with paper towels*

Are these the largest tampons you have?

My Darling Petunia,

It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.

Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes