Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

all that yoga finally paid off

Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies

Music Royalty Succession Chart

Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot

Called in, “Car’s in the shop, so I’m taking the treadmill this morning. It’s taking forever.”

I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “

Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes

Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”

I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.

I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.

Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?

Me: Hogwarts.

*leans forward*

*leans back*

*leans forward*

*leans back*

Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?

Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!

🤯🤯🤯

You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?

“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub

[wine class]

Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?

ME: wine

Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?

ME: nope, still wine

[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”

“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”

A friend’s old roommate handmade guitars from Canadian maple with hand cut mother of pearl inlays. He showed me several works in progress and how many hours it took for each step. Truly a labor of love. I learned that day that if you follow your passion, you can bore anyone.

If an attacker broke into my house and & I was hiding, all they’d have to do is fart.

I’d giggle and give myself away immediately.

*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL

Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.

[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach

It’s so cute that you’re nervous

[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?

I feel sorry for dogs. They learnt to fetch newspapers, but newspapers are dying. Killed by an internet driven by cats.

If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.

We will use anything but the metric system

My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”

Love you Dad

I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.

wife: are you drunk?

me: define “drunk”

w: impaired by an excess of alcohol

m: define “excess”

w: yeah, you’re drunk

m: define “you’re”

My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.

Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are