Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.

“She’d do the same for me”, he said.

[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg

I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room

My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.

10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”

I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.

unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”

victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*

murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again

My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.

Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.

Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.

*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*

Me: want a piece?

Her: wrong, whole.

The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.

They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.

After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn

I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”

‘Bob, that’s a cat.’

My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.

Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision

Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”

me: the earth isn’t flat

fiat earther: correct

me: huh?

fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car

me: what?

fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?

Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.

Me: Tonight we dine like kings!

*checks wallet*

Me: Like burger kings!

coworker: how was your weekend?

me: sucked, I had to move

coworker: you sold your house?

me: no, my wife made me get off the couch

HULK WANT LOAN

Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.

GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*

Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.

for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping

Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.

You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.

This is hilarious….

Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool

Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*

Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe