Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this

Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.

Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.

If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.

My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.

Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.

i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!

If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you

I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.

83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.

I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.

Overheard at the coffee shop:

“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”

Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.

[first date]

her: i love mysterious guys

him: good

me: [in the bushes] good

That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers

Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*

Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….

Me: Shit.

due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”

You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams

Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?

[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.

Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?

*meanwhile across town*

Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.

Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.

Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?

Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.

No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.

there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy

Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.

Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.

Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐

No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.

If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.

[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]

One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”

DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*

This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.

Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.