Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Women are like campfires.

Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.

And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.

Mostly.

Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this

I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.

Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long

You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol

6: what’s 3+1?

Me: 4

6: noooo it’s 3

Me: 3+1 is 4

6: nooooo it’s 3

Me:

6: the 1 is silent

me: would you like beans?

3: no

me, trying to instill manners: no…what?

3: no beans

I burn TV dinners every night so my husband thinks it’s “homemade”.

my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep

Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.

Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.

[suit shopping]

Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?

I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.

[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling*

*Scrolling*

*Scrolling*

*Very slight chuckle*

*Scrolling*

Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.

Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.

What element do criminals hate to see?

Copper

ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…

DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion

I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning

“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”

THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???

Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys

My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.

Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages

“bury me loose” will never ever be bested 😭

Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]

Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go

Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.

Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!

*Gets on Twitter*

*Looks up as ship is sailing off*

My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.

If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.

Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death

How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?

“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”

THEN: Pizza

NOW: Cauliflower Pizza

THEN: Mashed Potatoes

NOW: Mashed Cauliflower

THEN: Fried Rice

NOW: Cauliflower Rice

THEN: Steak

NOW: Cauliflower Steak

THEN: Leather Jacket

NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat

THEN: A Car

NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.

Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins

(shaved my back and shoulders)