Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[David Attenborough voice]

and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.

Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake

Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it

Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.

Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple

Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back

Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.

I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up

Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…

My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭

[on a first date]

Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement

Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.

I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.

Me at 7pm:
lol what’s this, a reality show about the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders, I bet that’s so dumb

Me at 11pm:
IF KAYLEIGH-ANNE TIGHTENS UP THOSE JUMP-SPLITS SHE’S A SHOO-IN FOR 3RD GROUP LEADER

Daddy! Tell me a story..

The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.

Good night.

“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets

No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.

WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom

HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?

WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.

For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic

today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower

Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.

My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.

[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]

Beavers: Booooo!

how much for the angry fruit?

Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.

Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?

me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175

*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*

Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.

Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.

To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?