Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
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Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
the pigeons are already plenty salty
i’m not celebrating labor day tomorrow. i’m gonna sit on my ass
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in