Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.

Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.

Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.

imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)

Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.

[3am]

me: *sleeping*

brain: omg you’re late for work!

me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*

brain: lmao you’re so gullible

I often miss my train in the morning. And during the rest of the day. I never should have given away that train

Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here

Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.

It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.

“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”

Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.

A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.

Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!

So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”

We all winked at each other and got in our cars.

Teamwork.

I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style

If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.

My birthstone is a sushi roll.

By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.

My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.

I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.

[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.

Merry Christmas

ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?

I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.

Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”

Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*

this tweet changed my entire outlook on life

[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?

my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together

The $40 delivery fee for my Ben and Jerry’s is steep, but I admit I picked the Lamborghini to impress my neighbors.

Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe

While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!

ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple

ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.