@Iffy_Penguin

*throwing my hands up*
well, those tasted terrible.

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@Vice_Queen

The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.

@_NinJar

*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”

@LipLush1

911: what’s your emergency?

me: I taught my Dad how to text

911: the problem ma’am?

me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”

@WittySassBasket

I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.

@hansabumsadaisy

#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!

Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.

@novicefather

My grandma coined the term “TC” in 1988 to refer to her tuna casserole.

@MunkMania

You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.

@PaulyPeligroso

They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?