The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
*throwing my hands up*
well, those tasted terrible.
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*wakes up in hospital*
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
your elf on the shelf was delicious
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!
Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
My grandma coined the term “TC” in 1988 to refer to her tuna casserole.
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?