doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
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French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
Do not go gentle into that good night,
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
constantly working on myself.