@ShortSleeveSuit

[throwing out the baby]

Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!

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@Jenny4ashley

I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.

@Lufty

My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled

@Ideal_Victoria

Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.

Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?

@batkaren

SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet

ME: [drives past turn]

SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]

@SortaBad

Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”

@KeetPotato

[tortoise arguing with his gf]
“FINE IM LEAVING”
FINE
[6 minutes later]
are you going or not?
“THIS IS AS FAST AS I CAN GO KAREN”

@KenJennings

I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.

@TheTweetOfGod

The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.

@FeralFerrell

Me: Screams into the void

Void: screams back

Me: Screams into void again

Void:

Me:

Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you

@MaryJustice86

My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.