@ShortSleeveSuit

[throwing out the baby]

Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!

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@BlondAmbitionTO

On dates, if a man says the past tense of “see” as “I seen” instead of “I saw,” I go to the bathroom and climb out the window.

@thesupergrobi

My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.

@darrinfb

Ok America.

You’ve made us chuckle with this whole Trump 2016 thing.
But if we see Kanye 2020 happen…

No. More. SYRUP.

Love, Canada

@TheAndrewNadeau

ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.

JINN: Done.

[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]

JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.

ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.

@zarascottio

Don’t judge me for my race, don’t judge me for my gender.
Judge me because I’ve read all four of the Twilight books.

@3sunzzz

[Halloween]

Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!

14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.

@KenJennings

TALKING TO MY DAUGHTER
7yo: I have an empty snail shell collection.
Me: How many do you have?
7yo: Zero.
Me: ZERO?
7yo: I said it was empty.

@PieChord

The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.

@hippieswordfish

ME: any advice
DAD: its ok to embellish a little
[later at job interview]
INTERVIEWER: tell me about yourself
M: i wrote harry potter

@Divergentmama

My husband told me he thinks he folded the towels right, so I told him I think he might get lucky tonight…

…and now he’s refolding them.