I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
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My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
[tortoise arguing with his gf]
“FINE IM LEAVING”
[6 minutes later]
are you going or not?
“THIS IS AS FAST AS I CAN GO KAREN”
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.