Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
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just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
In my 20’s: might hit the club tonight.
In my 40’s: might go to the grocery store to listen to some bangers.
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
It happened to me: I committed to a type of pie before I found out there was a better type of pie on another shelf
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station