Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*

Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?

A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.

3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦

poor people: innuendo

rich people: hoteluendo

And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”

[FIRST DATE]

Her: I’m a vegan

Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too

*Hears loud noise*

Me: What are y’all doing?

5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!

someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting

my sixth grade gifted program class had to do presentations on our favorite US presidents. i procrastinated until the due date and chose nixon last-minute because i thought his last name sounded cool. i discovered watergate halfway through making the powerpoint but held my ground

cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55

me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha

cop: sure whatever

[later in traffic court]

judge: how were you going 420 in a 55

No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.

I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.

My 6yo told me there’s a kid called Mirror in his new class, and I’m not sure if he misheard or that’s just where we are with names now

barber: your hair is so dry

pavlov: i forgot to condition it

I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.

A swear jar for Twitter would end world hunger.

If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?

[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son

[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir

BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD

If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager

Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.

Tonight I wanted to stop drinking but then I rememberd the owner of the pub has a family to feed

[interview]

BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?

ME: No…miscommunication

BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication

ME: See?

when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse

My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all

ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate

COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly

ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here

ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98

ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me

My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.

This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.

When my daughter gets angry at her siblings she tells them to go swallow an anvil and although it’s confusing I’m giving her props for creativity.

Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?