Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
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My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
If it me or does the name Mark Ruffalo sound like something a dog would say if it starting talking?
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you have an extra hour to think about it.
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
Mhm.
