Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.

Me: Aw, you came to me.

5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?

Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.

An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.

ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so

*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*

I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint

I have the legs of a gymnast and the arms of a swimmer. Maybe that’s why I’ve been called in for police questioning.

in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground

Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”

I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.

People always say they’d use a time machine to cheat on the lottery. I’d go back in time and invent the lottery. Make them call it The National Martin. That would show everyone.

4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.

Me: What’s wrong baby girl?

4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.

This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.

*Googles myself*

“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”

*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF

I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.

If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.

Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.

And I’ve still got time.

jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs

peter: w-what

jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now

john: are you ok

peter: jesus you seem a little… off

jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year

😎

Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?

“I don’t know, how would I know?”

GF: I’m pregnant!

“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”

I duck my head when I drive into parking garages if you want to know what kind of superior intellect I have passed to my kids

I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.

The idea that librarians spend all their time telling children to shush is an unflattering, outdated, and severe stereotype. We actually spend all our time telling children to stop running.

I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.

Do furries go to doctors or vets?

Never let them know your next move 😂

I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.

I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”

My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.