throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
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I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
Nah man don’t buy AirPods. You need the Sony WH-1000XM5-WHCH720N-WF1000XM5-CH520
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
The first five days after the weekend are the hardest.
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
my professor scared me for a second
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
2nd day of the kickstarter…thank u for such an amazing day yesterday….. i love you
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.