throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
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I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
😂😂😂😂😂😂
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
A flock of dads is called a grill.
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
All excellent questions
Most fashion shows these days…
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
so i’m at the stock market right
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
My @FedEx package was never actually delivered to my house and you’ll never believe who signed for it
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*