throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
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If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
You know what I respect about Shaquille O’Neal? He endorses and invests in everything. Gold Bond? Yes. Papa John’s? Hell yeah. Epson printers? You know it. I just saw his name on an office chair at Office Depot. This man owns 150 Five Guys. That’s 750 guys
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
neighbors are automatically creepy because they’re strangers who know where you live
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
every college guy’s fridge
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
my mom making me talk to relatives
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
That sound when you close the cupboard and hear something fall inside.. that’s the sound of somebody else’s problem.
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt