Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor: And how many partners have you had?

Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.

My husband just walked in the bedroom and said “love of my life look alike contest… you already won” lmfao

in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen

Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?

Walmart after hours
Walmart after dark

Almost anything…

I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.

*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*

pfft… I could do it in 8

so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”

Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?

“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”

Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.

My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work

Pizza will never hurt your feelings.

Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.

Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.

Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?

There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot

Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.

Me:How do you pronounce that?

*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together

Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”

hey can I use your bathroom?

cashier: only paying customers

jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-

Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.

So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.

When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?

My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.

Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!

I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.

Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.

When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”

They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.

*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*

*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*

Her: WHAT?!

Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?

Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”

[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]

*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”