If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
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Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”