@DaddyJew

*throws $100 worth of coins in the wishing well* I wish I was better with money

*throws $100 worth of coins in the wishing well* I wish I was better with money

- @DaddyJew

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@R0ckG0d88

My dog can’t hear me when I yell at him to stop chewing on my flip flop but he can hear the crinkle of the Dorito bag from 3 counties over.

@PaperWash

New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: My computer broke

IT guy: What have you tried so far?

Me: Everything

IT guy:

Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing

@sixfootcandy

Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.

@causticbob

Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate

@omgthatspunny

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

@SatansTongue

Give me a massage
“Mm okay”
*rubs oil all over her*
*things get hot*
*things get too hot*
*she bursts into flames*
“Dang I used petroleum”