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@DaddyJew: *throws $100 worth of coins in the wishing well* I wish I was better with money
@joeldanger: My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
@david8hughes: "911 what's your emergency?"
"Yeah, I've got so many questions about bees."
"Please hold for the president."
@slyoung5: You're suppose to wear clean underwear in case you're ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
@FredTaming: shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
@Tmoney68: If really good-looking people are "eye candy" I guess that puts me somewhere around the "eye broccoli" category.