Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”

I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.

My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.

This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.

*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*

You looked a little sickly.

If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.

I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.

*in public restroom*

Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.

Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*

I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18

So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.

Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.

The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.

Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?

FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.

Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.

Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.

{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.

HER: He’s so kind.

ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.

Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.

Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.

Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.

My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”

Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.

I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.

Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.

“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”

“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.

I’m often mistaken for an adult because of my age

If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly

therapy: $500

tattoo: $500 but cooler

After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?

do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS

*club goes nuts*

Old people be giving dating advice like “fill out a resume and just walk right up and ask to speak to their manager”

6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.