Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like to finish other people’s sentences because

my version is better.

Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be

blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.

Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.

Me: Okay, but is that right or left?

Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.

whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work

Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies

In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.

My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.

[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit

Friend: can I borrow £20?

Me: No.

*slides me £20

Friend: How about now?

Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.

Male response to “How’s it going” severity scale

Pretty good – Not good

Can’t complain – Rough couple of weeks

It’s going – Alcohol and cigarettes are keeping him going

Just another day in paradise – Hates his job, wife and life

Things couldn’t be better – Going to park on the train tracks

Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’

If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system

Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism

The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.

If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,

where would you hide it?

I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.

That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.

Them: just trust your gut

Me: the one full of chocolate and coffee?

I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.

Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.

Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.

Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.

My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.

You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.

My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.