Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?

People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.

putting a “Wellness Room” sign above the main exit at work.

Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.

Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.

A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.

I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.

I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.

[DOG COP TV DRAMA]

DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!

SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.

*discretely picks a booger*

*slyly wipes it on her blouse*

Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.

*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*

Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?

‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.

🐱: “She’s injured, now is the time to strike!”

I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”

I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.

My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese

“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic

I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.

#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls

Me, starting a diet:

7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit

9am: one slice of cake instead of two

Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?

Me: Correct.

Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.

Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh

AI is that friend who is always there for you but gives terrible advice.

I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher

wearing a condom while she on birth control call that two factor authentication

if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups

Husband: *bleeding*

Me: *calling 911*

Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.

When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.

Trust me on this.

Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.

Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered

Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?

Maybe I just want 47% milk…