*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
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I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.