Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lunatics are gonna loon.

Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.

Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash

Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.

Life is just an endless cycle of buying a little drink so a store owner will let you use the bathroom, then walking a little, then needing to use the bathroom because you had a little drink

My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.

Me: You ever have conversations in your head?

Me: No.

Me: Me neither

You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.

Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?

[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach

It’s so cute that you’re nervous

[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?

My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.

I didn’t know they can drive…

i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???

[the creation of nostalgia]

GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings

ANGEL: okay

GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings

ANGEL: uh—

GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again

ANGEL: dude what is your problem

Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.

The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’

*lesson learned

I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.

money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas

You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.

But I don’t suggest you point.

You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.

In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.

[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.

Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.

DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.

– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?

got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to

Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear

Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..

…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word

@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.

Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.

They’re the only thing