Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle

This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.

SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two

TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!

BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??

That sweet loving feeling when your kids have been asleep for a couple of hours, the house is quiet, and then you hear one of them get up to pee and you’re certain that not an ounce of urine is actually landing inside the toilet

After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.

My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well

How much for the soulmate?

Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.

New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.

My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.

On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.

I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born

All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.

First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with Friends

Him:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*

*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP

people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic

I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!

roommate: do u have any shaving cream

me: no it tastes gross

roommate: you eat shaving crea-

me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross

Me: goodnight son I love you.

3yo:

Me: I said I love you.

3yo: I love milk.

Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*

You can arrest protesters. You can take away their first amendment rights. You can even expel them. But you still can’t make a college commencement ceremony fun.

her: I’m bored

me: let me take you out and show you a good time

her: ok

[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having fun

her: I see

I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.

Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.

Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.

If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.

What should we call our new store?

“Will we sell pottery?”

No.

“Is it in a barn?”

No.

“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”

Hell, I love it Carl.

I’m starting a petition to get abacuses mounted on to all Zimmer Frames. I hope I can count on your support.

Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.

Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.

7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?

Me: Cooking dinner.

7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?

Me: I have no idea.

“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”