*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
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I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.