*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
You Might Also Like
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
Who called pee urine when it’s clearly holey water?
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
Don’t hate me because I can fall asleep within seconds; hate me because I can sleep through the night without having to get up to go to the bathroom.
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*