*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
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Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
It was worth a shot 😂
My 4yo’s teacher: He’s one of my model students.
Me [aghast]: My child?
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
“Can we use a library meeting room?”
“What for?”
“Just a meeting.”
“Not a party?”
“No. Why would you ask that?”
“Well, the sheet cake and sleeve of red plastic solo cups does raise some questions.”
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
[speed dating]
Me “Why are you covered in blood?”
Her “it’s just a conversation starter!
Me:…
Her: And it worked! So… what blood type are you?”
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.