*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
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Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
**shaking a magic 8-ball**
Me: Will my vision ever get better?
Coconut:
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
watching gymnastics
why no one uses midhusbands
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
Seeing a lot of posts about “rawdogging a flight” but can we discuss those absolute weirdos who rawdog the movie theater?
No popcorn, no drink, just watching a movie for two hours. At least smuggle in some Twinkies under your jacket.
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.