Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.

Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT

ME: What if I have a robotic arm?

PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.

ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?

PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.

ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?

PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.

My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.

dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly

patient: he doesn’t even know my mom

dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth

Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”

1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby

Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.

[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?

I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.

I’ve updated my will…

“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”

How to beat depression:

1) Talk to someone

2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.

I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still

Eating wings is the opposite of flying

*blowing up your phone at 3am*

I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.

If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.

It just seems like one would see a lot more data while flying through the clouds.

“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day

You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.

– Me, flirting.

I really want to retire but these stupid bills just keep

me on ellen

ellen: so i heard you love the ocean

me: ya

(the studio starts flooding)

me: omg ellen you didn’t

Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.

I call this the Heineken maneuver.

Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.

Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.

You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.

My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.

If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?

Breakups are hard but have you ever been disappointed in the food you ordered

I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.

On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.

an I working from home…. or living at work? 🤔🤔🤔