*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
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When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
my bf is sick and i offered him a cup of throat coat tea and he (extremely blearily) went “throat goat???”
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right