Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.

Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.

Guess we’re both living the dream

My job’s cybersecurity training said to “never assume a connection is real” and I was like I’m WAY ahead of you, pal

One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week

[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock

“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”

– Corporate ants.

I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:

At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them

I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.

Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya

If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”

Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.

Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.

Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.

should i airdrop this to the person in the voting booth next to me

Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?

[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”

Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.

GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..

The wife and I just got divorced.

We split the house………I got the outside.

The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.

Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion

My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.

ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years

My favorite animal is fried chicken.

can someone please help me, i’m still at the fyre festival

WORD: wanna see paste options?

ME: no it’s fine

WORD: but check out these paste options

ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it

WORD: 🙁

ME: fine there I looked now move the box

WORD: 🙂

ME: it’s still there

WORD: which was your favorite 😐

I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.

Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.

a pod of orcas just destroyed my skateboard

In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.