*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
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“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
From the videos I’ve seen lately, I only need a few simple steps to renovate my kitchen:
Step 1. Come into a large inheritance
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Holy shit he’s back
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
And they lived apathetically ever after.
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
