*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
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“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
That was easy.
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
Like many men my age, my biggest regret is hiring the inexpensive hitman.
Friendly reminder people are still stupid no matter who they vote for
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”