Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now

When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly

I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.

I would’ve gotten away with saving money if it weren’t for those meddling kids!

[family picnic]

ME: *flipping brats on the grill*

WIFE: have you seen the kids

the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck

My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning

[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange

These are my roll models.

Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok

Every woman I know is down catastrophic for the United Healthcare CEO assassin so if you’re a lonely, unstable, disaffected young man yearning for love and connection I can confidently tell you that there’s (1) thing you can do to get that special girl’s attention…

being too stressed isn’t good for the baby.

i’m not pregnant though, its just that i’m the baby

Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.

bible: love thy enemy

me: loves carbohydrates

Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂

My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.

Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too

My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.

My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere

When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.

I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.

“She’d do the same for me”, he said.

Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined

I could not be more annoyed

*checks Twitter*

Ok, I’m more annoyed

i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg

my body is a machine that turns traumatic experiences into 10 likes on twitter

[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”

You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.

Hear me out: his and hers houses.

If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.

Mice are just frozen Mwater.