*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
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I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then