*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
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If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
Pretty disgusting that Air Bud can dominate any human sport, but I join one greyhound race and get put down
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.