Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.

Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell

me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?

date: i don’t know

me: one is a spider you idiot

Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]

You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.

life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge

What about a To-Don’t List?

Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?

Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

people will remember:
– you, because no matter how many times they deleted you from their contacts, the goddamn cloud brought you back

Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself

Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself

to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of

People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.

My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”

I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.

[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘

Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.

Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.

Me, meeting anyone from instagram.

One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.

Your husband’s super cute, is he single?

HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG

I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.

So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.

I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.

6: What’s a hangover?

Me: The interest repayment on fun.

I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.

Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.

Sunday

Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.

[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what

ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.