*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
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Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong