Wouldn’t it be cool if Zombies & Vampires become human if we bite them first?
Somebody needs to test that one.
[throws bread to a duck]
Duck: I have a boyfriend
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I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
“THIS IS THE POLICE. WE HAVE YOU SURROUNDED. ARE U ALONE?”
-YEAH, I GUESS I NEVER MET THE RIGHT GIRL, BAD TIMING MOSTLY. ALSO WORK IS HECTIC
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
my brother turned 30 this weekend and i’ll never forget what mom said when dad told her we’re growing up too fast
“they’re eating dog food”
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
I’ve learned everything I need to know about stupid people from stupid people.