@jake_likes_naps

[throws bread to a duck]
Duck: I have a boyfriend

You Might Also Like

@InternetHippo

me: i just love traveling!

my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about

@liv_thatsme

Overheard:

“Why is that woman listening to our conversation?”

@zachreinert03

I’m really glad they named a park bench after my uncle in memorial. It fits, he was great at having homeless ppl sleep on top of him

@poutinesmoothie

Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.

@ixSEANxi

Ya know those scenes where the guy shoves everything off the table and throws a woman on it yeah I’ve only done that with pizza

@thomas_violence

look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens

@GrantTanaka

Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.

@AthenaMystique

Just saw a sign advertising crabs and clams. I don’t know about you, but I prefer to keep the crabs away from my clam.

@KentWGraham

I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.