@jake_likes_naps

[throws bread to a duck]
Duck: I have a boyfriend

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@iGreenMonk

Wouldn’t it be cool if Zombies & Vampires become human if we bite them first?

Somebody needs to test that one.

@ibid78

“THIS IS THE POLICE. WE HAVE YOU SURROUNDED. ARE U ALONE?”
-YEAH, I GUESS I NEVER MET THE RIGHT GIRL, BAD TIMING MOSTLY. ALSO WORK IS HECTIC

@ohheyohhihello

I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.

@iwearaonesie

my brother turned 30 this weekend and i’ll never forget what mom said when dad told her we’re growing up too fast

“they’re eating dog food”

@AnOrangeSNES

Dear Abby,

I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.

@TragicAllyHere

A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE

@FunkyFresh_79

“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”

-me, trying to put a crib together

@Vodkantots

I’ve learned everything I need to know about stupid people from stupid people.