Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
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Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth