me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
[throws bread to a duck]
Duck: I have a boyfriend
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My worst fear is seeing one of my tweets marked as “exhibit A”
“Why is that woman listening to our conversation?”
I’m really glad they named a park bench after my uncle in memorial. It fits, he was great at having homeless ppl sleep on top of him
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
Ya know those scenes where the guy shoves everything off the table and throws a woman on it yeah I’ve only done that with pizza
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
Just saw a sign advertising crabs and clams. I don’t know about you, but I prefer to keep the crabs away from my clam.
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.