Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
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[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
prepare for thanksgiving? i’ve been overeating and arguing with my family for years, i was born ready for this
the lamestream media wants you to call them “pigeons”. but CRIME BIRDS are terrorizing our cities: stealing wifi, causing sunspots, downloading cars
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do