Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
You Might Also Like
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
I’m giving up eating chocolate for a month. sorry bad punctuation. I’m giving up. Eating chocolate for a month
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
When I practise my stand-up in front of the mirror I have to remember to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter. It’s good practice for when I’m performing in front of an audience and I have to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
how does world hunger exist when we can fry air.
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.