Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.![]()
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Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
What no one tells you about having kids is that within a few years you’re in possession of lot of teeth that you have no idea what to do with
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now