Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
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“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
Today I walked out of the baseball complex carrying two Gatorades, a half-eaten snack, a 40oz Stanley and a 4yo, and the 4yo had the audacity to tell me to walk faster.
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
Imagine how scary sharks would be if they wore necklaces made out of our teeth.
Animal poetry
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.