*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
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Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
Disney: okay i guess we’ll close the parks but ONLY because it’s above a category 3
No one is more surprised than my kids every night when i say it’s bed time.
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
Leaving the Barbers like
Me: What did you learn on your first day back to school?
Granddaughter: Not enough. They said I have to go back tomorrow.
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.