@PeaceInTruth1

*throws caution to the wind*

*blows right back into face*

You Might Also Like

@JessObsess

It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.

@AmishPornStar1

Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.

@AnOrangeSNES

*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB

@adam_bloomquist

Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.

@ChrisIsJoking

My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”

@crushingbort

#ThingsGirlsDoThatGuysHate tease a man and get all his attention while the second velociraptor ambushes him from his blind spot

@david8hughes

So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.