*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
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I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
Super Hand Dog Face
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
I drew y’all a little something.
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.