It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
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Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
#ThingsGirlsDoThatGuysHate tease a man and get all his attention while the second velociraptor ambushes him from his blind spot
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.