*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
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There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.