*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
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ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
bro my son keeps saying “in the 80s we used to…”
dude was born in 2018.
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
hate when anxiety gives me stomach problems like baby you are supposed to be a mental disorder please stay in your line