*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
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Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.