*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
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Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
Number of days since I locked myself out of the house and had to climb in through a window: ZERO
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
security at the airport getting more straightforward
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
Accidentally turned my clocks back too far and ended up at a Wham concert.
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.