Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.

Kids are weird.
Got seated at a football game and my 8yo busted out two cucumbers and just started biting into them.

Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.

Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.

My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”

“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead

Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips

-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat

I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.

running feels great unless you compare it to not running

My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist

Wife: want to have sex?

Me: oh hell yeah.

Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.

Jogging has never helped my memory.

In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.

I do things for others…

Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.

When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”

There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.

Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?

[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough

A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.

Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.

Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…

Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza

Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.

my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?

My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father

(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u

I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.

15 passed his driver’s permit test today. so going forward this will now be a parent horror-comedy account.

Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.

my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day

[elsewhere]

crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING