Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.

how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it

most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet

I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.

*Organizing closet*

Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?

Me: Oh, just put it with the others.

Husband: What?

Me: What?

American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.

don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to

Torturer: just tell me what I need know

Me: NEVER

Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*

Me: OKAY I’ll talk

An avocado is a vegan kinder egg

superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling

batman: dude, you can fly…

superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder

batman: what

I giveth and I taketh away because I recycleth.

Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…

Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”

[5 minutes later]

“twice”

just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended

ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.

bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive

bank robber: *angry boomer noises*

[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy

Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.

Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.

I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂

taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake

me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what

Bread puns are on the rise!

Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?

12:
Its not really spicy..

Except on the way out

Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.

Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?

Biden: 😉

The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.

Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.

Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.

After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.

what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep

Dear Neighbours,

“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.

Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.

*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*

Well that sucked.

If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.