Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that

[lights 2016 calendar on fire]

There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.

[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]

if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad

Don’t go keto, go pirate. Rum, fish and beef jerky diet 💯

Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.

*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*

Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo

My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic

30’s tall, nice smile, secure job

40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice

[My 8yo looking for something]

OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.

date: so what do you do?

me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter

This cat looks like Wilford Brimley

The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.

1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…

I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you

I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”

Establish dominance at work by telling your coworkers they look tired before they get a chance to say it to you

Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?

“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”

“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”

How to speak Irish…
WHALE
OIL
BEEF
HOOKED

(say it fast)

The 4 stages of a family vacation

“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920

I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.

If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.

[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football

I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.

my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be

They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me

Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.

Court starts Monday.

And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…

If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following

Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.

Write his name in the cheese.

Leave it on his porch.

His wife is home.

Write hers too.