Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift

Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids

*Pikachu dies*

Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.

*ghostbusters arrive*

These are so Plastic Man-core

Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.

I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.

[Battleship: Guilt Edition]

Friend: B6

Me: You sunk my Battleship

Friend: Hah yes!

Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children

Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂

My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.

Last-minute gift idea!

When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.

I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat

The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.

[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen

I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.

Instagram: look how pretty everything is

Facebook: look how easy everything is

Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest

Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is

GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.

ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.

I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.

I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘effusive’

“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”

That is correct. What was your name?

“It’s Siv”

I know lmao [hi5s other judge]

Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.

Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.

old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia

Do NOT do this 🙄🙄

If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.

Boss: How were your weekends?

Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team

Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter

Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly

I’m not saying I’m an idiot…

But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.

Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame

I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.

If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”