[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
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I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
Lucky for them, they’re cute
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!