*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
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Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
If a snake ate a cake
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
D was probably like “lmao ok” when they named the alphabet the ABCs
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
bat life
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.