[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
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Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Oh my God.
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
me: what drink ya got there?
11: a smoothie I made
me: oh. What’s in it??
11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.
me: and you won’t eat a tomato.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
the way he checked his surroundings 😭
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
Whenever I see anyone tweeting about donuts, I think “ugh”. Not because I’m disgusted by deep-fried sugary treats, but because those are the letters I want to insert into the spelling.
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you