Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.

Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.

What if we kissed underneath the tree filled with escaped research monkeys

I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.

there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps

I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.

Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?

Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty

To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.

If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.

Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.

You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?

me: I think I’m losing my marbles

proctologist: I’m finding them

Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.

Friend: Flyers for what?

Me: Some club called VIOLATION.

Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends

“Whatcha doin’ right now?”
“Finishing up some emails.“
“Wrong. You’re drivin’ me to Petco.”
“Why? You have plenty of food.”
“I’ll also need you to wait in the car.”
“Wait, what?”
“And, keep it running.”
“What’s going on here, Max?”
“Nothin’. I just gotta see a guy about a thing.”

I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER

ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids

Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.

Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.

The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.

CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na

The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.

Darth Vader: Luke

Luke: ya

Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father

Luke: um ok

Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan

Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO

“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness

never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement

“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out

Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol

I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.

Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.

Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then