*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
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My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
Modded the new Gran Turismo
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
girls will be like “it’s fine” then start drawing a pentagram in blood on their floorboards
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*