Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy

My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos

Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it

Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.

The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship

It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want

When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.

Denise please return my vape pen

If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.

Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.

Me: I wish for unlimited genies.

Genie: Son of a

Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!

I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband

Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.

If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.

I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.

I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.

The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.

Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?

Inside you there are two wolves

“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*

Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.

Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.

*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy

Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week

We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.

Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.

Satan: “Waaazzz up?”

God: “Speak of the Devil.”

Satan: “Really?”

God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”

Satan: “Jesus Christ.”

Jesus: “What?”

“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.

15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.

How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!

waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?

I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.

You an Obituary liar.

That means you DEAD@$$ lying