[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
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compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
“Bag Full”. Me too vacuum. Me too.
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
we need to bring back easter eggs on DVDs in case the Doctor ever needs to communicate with someone thirty years in the future to warn them about a race of terrifying sentient statues with the power to send people back in time.
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.