[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
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ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
Replace all HR departments with fight clubs
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
Frankenstein?
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
“A little help here, Danny?”
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
