[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
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My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
Breaking news:
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.