*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
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Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
How fast is milk?
It’s pasteurised your eyes before you know it….
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
My rock bottom keeps refreshing
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
.
.
.
.
.
The top ans was
.
.
.
.
.
GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first