*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
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Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
My grandfather poured his blood, sweat and tears into his career.
Amazing man. Horrible chef.
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
“What movie?” 🤔
