*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
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What’s this sorcery? 😂
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
OP deleted but I saved my stupid joke for posterity anyway
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
My support group can outdrink your support group.
By Kate Hatos
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.