*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
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For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
23. the denim jacket
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
*working in pediatric ER*
kid: *pointing* what are those wipes
me: these are special wipes we use in the hospital to kill bacteria and viruses and keep surfaces clean 😊
kid: viruses aren’t technically alive so you can’t kill them
kids mom: honey don’t embarrass the doctor
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
be aware when you do a search and replace in your script to change someone’s name from Chris to Ryan that suddenly your characters are going to be talking a lot about the upcoming Ryantmas season
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.