Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[presidents 2km race – finish line]

OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?

CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11

[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT

Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?

007: Shaken…

Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture

So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?

*Aquarium

GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus

ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok

Bag of flesh that acts weird when another bag of flesh doesn’t send symbols on glowing screen

Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.

A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if

Your mother has terrible taste in children.

OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there

I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.

Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.

The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.

– i

sensitive skin

She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.

*presses wheelchair accessible button*

*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*

“We’re here for a haircut.”

When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard

My second thought is virgin wizard

cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor

me: i don’t know where dave is

cop: how did you know it was dave

[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel

Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”

If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.

(my first day in customer service)

Caller: I can’t understand you.

Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…

Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”

A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no

I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR

Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?

It was less hassle.

Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.

*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*

I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.

A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank

I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”

Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.