Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: Well, I know I told you that.

Me: *closes eyes*

Her: What are you doing?

Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.

Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.

I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?

Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.

What the hell kind of scary shit is that?

teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration

me: oh wow, alread-

teachers: your kid has to bring something in

me: oh ok, sure what shou-

teachers: 100 somethings

Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”

*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*

*Picks broccoli out while eating it*

[Satanic ritual]

Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this

Me: the sacrifice

Leader: they’re cupcakes

Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM

I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.

Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat

*teaching 13 to cut the grass

Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?

13: Yep

13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.

I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”

Not being able to see likes on comments is a tragedy. Love it when two people are arguing and you can see all their little backup dancers

How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?

Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing

I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.

[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*

Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure

Life’s too short to have your shit together.

Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)

My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.

Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down

Me *reads the news out loud*

Spider *depressed* holy shit

Bobby pin

tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices

With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us

The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.

If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.

*only works at Home Depot

“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.

I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”

Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran