Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad

I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey

My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.

[being murdered]

me: hey are u Scottish

murderer: yes why

me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt

[murdering intensifies]

[Inventing Squash]

FRIEND: What are you doing?

ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall

FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I

if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo

Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?

Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.

Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?

No?

Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.

Her: I made us cheeseburgers.

Me: uh oh.

Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.

Wife: can you pick up milk?

Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy

Wife: I mean from the store

Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too

If I ever went to jail for murder it would be for murdering my printer.

Purse Rules:

1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses

2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs

I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.

[on Ferris wheel]

ME: This is going great.

MY DATE: This is so weird.

UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.

mumsnet is amazing

I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”

my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos

It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now

If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again

If you love something, set it free…

Except if ‘It’ is a man.

Because he’ll get lost,

and won’t ask for directions.

If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:

– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito

HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:

Dearly Beloved

Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”

Doctor: “…Oops.”

*slowly turns chart rightside up*

When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.

“I’d like to speak with a manager”

I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.

Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.

Two words: No pants.

You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”

I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.