*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
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I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
Become ungovernable.
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up