Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor

The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.

Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-

The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this

When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”

The elephant is my spirit animal.

1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms

I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.

When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…

my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies

[baby finally falls asleep]

ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax

DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON

Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.

[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now

“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”

Midwesterners: hold my beer

YOGA CLASS

INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog

*loud thud

GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.

“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”

Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.

If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek

well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem

Cop lights are so pretty at night

My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.

My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.

Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.

I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.

My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.

Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?

World: What’s the date?

America: Well first and most importantly it’s June

This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety

*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*

Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.

Depth Metal

“are you drunk?”

– everyone’s response when i send a nice text

My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying

You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?

Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”

Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.

Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.