*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
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I’m not like most teenage girls. I’m a forty-one year old man
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
Does anyone else’s spouse insist on eating and drinking in the car while driving?
My wife has spilled so much stuff in her car that it looks like the movie Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs was filmed inside it.
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
Not to brag but this cashier is checking me out.
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.